As a researcher, being critical is my area of natural strength. It’s what I do on a daily routine. I am on the lookout for any fault in a scientific research. I identify gaps and propose new ways of doing things. Beyond that, it’s my first line of defence to get things done my way. It’s how I respond to people’s action. I try to reason the motive behind every word that is said to me. Did she mean that? Is she trying to get something out of this? Could he be lying? Is there a character fault here? Can’t this be done better? There is always something that was not done right or could have been done better. So, I am naturally a critical person, although, I hate to admit it.Being critical isn’t bad in itself. It helps us to make things right. It enables me and even the people around me to push past the boundaries of limitation. I tend not to settle for less in life and by virtue of this first-hand nature, I have constantly improved, more ruggedly determined to be a better person. However, this habit is completely wrong, if people get hurt in the process, if abilities becomes obstacles, if what people do to us and around us is never good enough in our eyes. It’s unhealthy, if we spill the habit into our relationships. Being critical makes it hard for people to get along with us. It forces us to lose friendships and trust in others. It makes us appreciate people less and the things God has done for us. It discourages our loved ones and even hurt them. It tell us that nobody is ever good enough and no act of kindness is ever true enough.
I am working on this habit and I would like to tell you a few things that have helped me in becoming a more encouraging woman and a less critical one.
1. Do you have to say it? Ask yourself, do I have to say something? Have I said it long enough? Is what I have been saying made any difference? Am I trying to get my way this time? Could the other party have a reasonable explanation for acting that way? Why is it so important and is there a creative way of pointing out a fact? Am I considerate on this occasion? The trick here is to bite your tongue —hold up before saying your mind out.
2. Think before you say it and when you do, say it right. Sometimes, it is not what we say or think that hurt those around us, it is often how we say it. Our criticism should come out constructive or as an encouragement not destructive. Criticism is a dangerous weapon —it could build or tear apart. So ask yourself if what you are going to say would build or tear someone apart.
3. Realize people are different. Because things are not done the way we expect does not mean, they are wrong. It does not mean that our way is the only right way. Ask yourself, am I imposing my perfectionism onto someone else? At any point, if people begins to take the other way because of what we say, we should re-examine what we say or don’t say. Sometimes, it’s embedded in our looks. I am coming to terms and the understanding that God created us differently for a reason. Everyone is unique and gifted for and with a purpose. Even if my husband act in exactly the opposite direction to what I would do, does not mean he’s wrong. Rather than settle with making note of faults. I have learnt to appreciate and be grateful for very little things. I am forming the new habit of writing/noting things I admire than the things I dislike.
4. Realize it could be you. Whatever wrong I see in others could be seen in me too. I could spill things on the floor mistakenly, so why should I scream my head off when my daughter does the same. I could get the toilet seat dirty, forget to turn off the electrical shower or leave the door unlocked, so why should I grumble when people around me does the same. I could be caught doing the same thing. The trick here is, I don’t judge the shoes I might be caught wearing. So I am learning the habit of giving people the benefit of a doubt. Just ask yourself before swatting a fly with that hammer, what if?
5. Consider the consequence. Put the chicken before the egg. Count the cost. Is it worth losing that friendship or damaging a relationship? Is it worth hurting someone else or losing the trust and friendships that you’ve taken so long to build. Consider the relationship that you would like to build. How would I want my children or siblings to relate with me in 5 years after what I’ve said? What impact would what I say have on my relationships at work or at home?
By Oluwamitomisin
